It's a bedtime tradition that began with Little Nutbrown Hare, and each night we try to outdo the last...I love you to the moon and the beach and the mountians...and one of my favorites, "to Jesus and the angels" and back...We never imagined we would be saying, I love you to Africa and seems like the furthest imaginable place, but yet in God's perfect timing, we plan to go.... to Africa and back!!! And when we get back, we will have another little cheek to kiss goodnight...please keep us in your prayers and enjoy this journey with us!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

My perception...

Tonight I feel the anticipation of an OB appointment in the morning. Maybe a first early ultrasound where I anticipate seeing the first glimpse of a little heart beat...but instead of visiting the OB in the morning, Chad & I are visiting USCIS to be fingerprinted! Weird, I never thought jumping through government hoops would bring me this feeling of anticipation! Having this realization I really wanted to share my feelings about what we are experiencing at this point in our adoption. So today, I'm going out of character, I'm going to be blunt...

Adoption is not for the faint of heart...imagine a pregnancy and all of the things that go along with the experience... Now imagine that pregnancy, surrounded by people you love, who are so excited about your future addition, but not one of them has ever experienced pregnancy. Not only do they not share the experience of pregnancy with you, but they also don't acknowledge the fact that you are experiencing your pregnancy... Now your beginning to understand adoption... For those of you experiencing pregnancy, while you can feel your baby growing inside of you , I have an emptiness growing inside of me. With every form I have to fill out and every document I have to submit, I invest a little bit more of myself into my unknown child. But, instead of knowing that at least no matter how rough this gets, it'll all be over in ten months, I just hope I will at least have a face to put to my baby whom I already love, in 10 months. And then, if I'm lucky I'll bring him home in another 10 months...

I was told recently by someone, "I hear congratulations are in order?" they were attempting to be funny, referring to a picture they had seen in which my ill fitted clothing (thanks to my daughter pulling on my dress) made it look as if I had a baby bump. This comment went on to a conversation amongst the group about how "stranger things have happened! So and so tried to have a baby for years & when they stopped trying, she got pregnant"...I sat there listening wanting to say first of all, "thank you, yes I am expecting a baby!!!" Why is it so interesting to suspect I may be pregnant, when I'm standing right here spending every free moment I have, doing something to bring a new child into our family, and this fact is not being acknowledged! And two, " did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm taking birth control and actually have chosen adoption versus being pregnant!?" the assumption that this is a second choice & not nearly as "real" as pregnancy is so frustrating! This is very real & feeling as if it is ignored is sometimes exasperating!

We recently spent time catching up with some old friends, and after spending an entire weekend together the most they ever said about our adoption process was, "do you know when you will be traveling to Africa?" not "traveling to bring your baby home"... just taking a trip...if I was sitting here with a real baby bump, who would ever think to spend a weekend and never even acknowledge the pregnancy? Who knew adoption would be a huge step in my learning so much about sensitivity to others?

As I mentioned, I'm not used to being blunt and being so open about my feelings in this manner, so I feel like this post needs a disclaimer! So here it is: if you recognize any of these scenarios as yours, please don't see this as a personal attack...this is me, talking about the realities of adoption & all of the things I never knew or would ever have thought of, before being right here smack in the middle of it all! I want to openly share what we are experiencing so those of you who personally know us can better lend your support, and for those of you traveling on your own adoption journey I hope you can find comfort & strength in the fact that someone else is feeling the same way that your feeling!

I'm so thankful that God has put me here to experience this amazing journey, the ups and the downs...
And to have our friends and family experiencing this journey along with us!


  1. I read this with tears in my eyes and and ache in my heart for you and the frustrations you are going through! Thank you so much for being blunt. Like I have said many times, I had never imagined all the work that goes into adopting a baby, your baby. I can't even pretend to comprehend the emotions you are going through. The anticipation and yearning I feel to meet my nephew is not even in the same universe as to what you are going through. Lyla and I make sure we pray for her new cousin every night and will continue to pray for him till he is safely home. Please don't hesitate to tell us what we can do to help.... On a side note, we had a great time Saturday. Lyla always loves playing with Emmaline. She is such a zany little girl and I love all her quirkiness!!

    1. Aw, thank you! We feel blessed to have you guys along side of us for this journey!